Mother's Day

I am a mother. 

With mother’s day approaching this Sunday, I find the anxiety creeping in.

The need to reassure myself that I am a mother.

And that one day, when the time is right, I will be a mother to my own living children in addition to the two that were taken too early for us to experience parenting them day-to-day. 

Today, I find myself longing so much for our day-to-day family life to begin.

To get to watch those little souls develop, to watch their hearts grow, to nurture their spirits, to hold them and love them every single day.

I try so hard to live in the present moment of today.

In reality.

To have faith that one day, Tray and I will have all these joys we talk so much of.

Some days, it is so hard.

So hard to stay strong.

To have faith.

To be patient.

To wait for the day.

I find myself looking back at my journals.

Looking for the strong days.

I found an entry from one year ago.

A letter to Maude.

5.11.15

The day I became a mother

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. 

My strength was much stronger than I had expected it be. 

Instead of being lost in a dark place, feeling empty & longing for you; I felt so blessed to be your mother. 

I remembered the day I became your mom. 

September 24th, 2014. 

The day I realized that you were my world & me yours. 

The moment I realized that my decisions weighed so heavily on your life. 

The day I put your life before mine. 

Yes, I had found out that I would be your Mommy on August 14th. 

Yes, I started to put what would be best for you first right away. 

Withdrawing from my daily intake of caffeine, reading every article I could find about the best nutrition & fitness for you, planning for your arrival, planning to be your parent. 

But it wasn’t until that September day that I felt the world stop & something inside of me change, change me into your mother. 

It was the first day we saw you, sweet girl. 

But not the moment. 

The moment was special. 

You were so strong. 

You were kicking, rolling, waving. 

Your heart was beating strong, loud, easy to find. 

And then, you relaxed. 

You lay there calmly as we discovered that you were extra special. 

That you were going to change the people we were. 

The couple we were. 

The parents we were. 

We would never be the same. 

We would be weaker at moments, but stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

We would be selfless because we knew that you would need our strength. 

We would never give up on you. 

We wouldn’t take the easy road & say goodbye that day. 

We would give you a chance. 

And you put up such a good fight. 

But that day, as the worry set in. 

The reality of the physical & emotional pain you would endure at such a small age & size. 

The reality that your “normal” life would be so abnormal from the mainstream. 

The reality that you were going to need us to make such big decisions for you right away. 

It was then that I realized what motherhood was. 

And that I truly was your mother. 

And then, I got to embrace that until that cold day in November when we watched your tiny body be taken away.

I mourned the loss of you for months. 

Of being your Mommy. 

And then I realized, I am still your Mommy.

And even though I don’t have you today, I know that no one can ever take you away from me. 

You will always be with me. 

In the new person I am today. 

All my love little one. 

I share this today because surely there are women in your life that are feeling a similar way this week.

I share this because the best thing you can do for those friends, wives, sisters, daughters, for those mothers, is to acknowledge them this Sunday.

Acknowledge their children, acknowledge their pain, but most of all, acknowledge their strength.

I have been so blessed with family & friends who have acknowledged this day after day. 

Who have held me & listened to me & sent thoughtful gifts. 

Who say her name. 

Who hugged me so tightly after our recent miscarriage. 

Who have given me time to heal. 

Who have not rushed me or judged me. 

Who have given me the strength to write these words here & share our story in hopes of bringing peace to another woman's day. 

To all of you. 

Thank you. 

To all of you who cannot hold all of your children in your arms today, know this.

You are a mother.

You are allowed sad days.

You are allowed angry days.

And you are allowed happy days.

Weak days

and

strong days.

Be good to yourself.

Know that you are not alone.

And know that a mother’s strength is the strongest of them all.

In A Year

A lot can happen in a year. 

One year ago today I was blogging about a salad. 

One year ago today I was pregnant. 

One year ago today, I didn’t know my baby girl was sick. 

A lot can happen in a year.

In a year, Tray and I received the most exciting news of our lives,

And then the most heartbreaking.

In a year we placed our hands on my growing bump to give our girl strength and love.

In a year we held her little body with our hands when the battle became too much for her.

In a year we held tightly to each other’s hands as we said goodbye to our sweet Maude Marie.

In a year, I lost touch with myself.

I had moments of strength and moments of weakness.

Moments of clarity and moments of anger and confusion.

In a year, we felt the tests and trials of grief.

We sank to dark places.

And we rose out of them.  

In a year I learned to be gentle with myself.

In a year I learned to give myself time.

A year ago I was full of hope. 

And now, I am hopeful again.

I am going back to the beginning to figure out where to go from here.

I am allowing myself to get back to my creative work as well as reflect on my past work.

I am allowing myself to come back to this blog today and am redefining what it is.

This blog is a place for growth.

A place for me. 

A place for me to document my strengths.

A place for me to show my loved ones what I have been up to.

I don't know what I will write about. 

What this blog will become.

How often I will write. 

But I do know that it will encourage me to continue to learn,

Continue to push myself,

And continue to be myself.  

A Sip & See for Baby Haley

Tammy and Little Miss Haley Ann

I love Love LOVE being an auntie and having sisters that I can truly call best friends!

One of my older sisters, Tammy, recently gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby girl. Tammy and her husband were pretty nervous about the female addition to their “tomboy” family. So, I have made it my responsibility to help the inner girlie side of my sister be released! (Notice above - dress, heels and makeup :))

Tammy deserves the best the world can give! She is an AMAZING woman, sister, mom, friend, daughter… the list really could go on and on! So, I thought I’d test out my showering skills on her with a girlie little sip & see for baby Haley.

Now, if you have never hosted a shower, you might not think about all of the last minute preparations that come up. In my case, I thought about it, then got busy. One of my little sisters came for a visit and a birthday celebration the night before the big shower. We decided, as I think most people would agree, that her turning a year older meant that we needed to party our tails off and so we did. And let me tell you, the grocery store trip at 7am the next morning was quite entertaining ;)

So, here it is in all its glory. The shower and the lessons learned:

1. Plan. Plan. Plan.

I of course chose Pinterest to help me organize for the big day. Everyone organizes differently, but if you are in the need for inspiration – this is a great way to find it. Here’s the board I created.

2. Shop. Shop. Shop

Shop early. Get as much food as you can as soon as you can and pick up fun and useful decor.

We chose pjs, baby hangers, shoes, toys, books, blocks, etc. to hang around. They all made easy decorations and all came in handy for the special Momma when she took them home.

3. Prep. Prep. Prep.

Prep as much as possible early on. My wonderful mother helped me with preparations pre-party day. You would be shocked at how much time some of your projects will take!

The diaper cake was super easy! Mom and I made it early in the week. It was our first ever attempt at a diaper cake, so tutorials came in handy. Try this one or this one.

The candy pacifiers and stuffed pea pods seemed like they'd be easy breezy. Not so much. They take up quite a bit of time, but they are so worth it! Mom and I wanted our pacifiers to be edible so we opted for frosting instead of hot glue like the tutorial suggested. While this made for a tasty result, it does take a lot longer so just be sure to get them done a few days before the party.  The pea pods were so delicious! I'd suggest making them the night before and refrigerating. It will free your mind and your hands up the day of the party. 

4. Recruit. Recruit. Recruit.

Thank goodness for my helpers! Mom, Theresa, Michelle & George! You all really helped me get my act together in the end!

Thanks, Mom!

5. Spread. Spread. Spread.

Spread your imagination to create a unique spread. You'll find new ideas out of everyday recipes and objects.

Make a table runner out of napkins by adding tape to the back of them. 

Fill a mini ice cream cone with bananas and top with a chocolate dipped strawberry to make baby cones.  Great thinking, Mom! These were delish! 

Since most of my intended recipes didn't end up panning out. I had to get creative with what I had. Toasted baguettes topped with cucumber and hummus did the trick. I also added some chocolate animal crackers; and with a quick run back to the store we were able to create a pita, cheese, and deli platter in no time.

We used cloth diapers, burp rags and mini clothes pins to create fun bunting. Each "diaper" had a photo of baby Haley's immediate family members. It was fun to see who she was beginning to resemble the most.

6. Snap. Snap. Snap.

Take photos! Keep a camera close by or assign someone else to photography duties. These photos will be great additions to the baby book.

While I think the shower turned out wonderfully and no one would probably know that I goofed up unless of course I opened my big mouth – which of course I’m doing - I want all of you hostesses out there to know that there are always other options. Everything does not have to be perfectly how it was planned. So just breathe and remember, there is always a grocery store close by with deli meat and a slicer just in case you decide to pretend you are in college the night before;)

P.S. Happy Birthday, Theresa!