Mother's Day

I am a mother. 

With mother’s day approaching this Sunday, I find the anxiety creeping in.

The need to reassure myself that I am a mother.

And that one day, when the time is right, I will be a mother to my own living children in addition to the two that were taken too early for us to experience parenting them day-to-day. 

Today, I find myself longing so much for our day-to-day family life to begin.

To get to watch those little souls develop, to watch their hearts grow, to nurture their spirits, to hold them and love them every single day.

I try so hard to live in the present moment of today.

In reality.

To have faith that one day, Tray and I will have all these joys we talk so much of.

Some days, it is so hard.

So hard to stay strong.

To have faith.

To be patient.

To wait for the day.

I find myself looking back at my journals.

Looking for the strong days.

I found an entry from one year ago.

A letter to Maude.

5.11.15

The day I became a mother

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. 

My strength was much stronger than I had expected it be. 

Instead of being lost in a dark place, feeling empty & longing for you; I felt so blessed to be your mother. 

I remembered the day I became your mom. 

September 24th, 2014. 

The day I realized that you were my world & me yours. 

The moment I realized that my decisions weighed so heavily on your life. 

The day I put your life before mine. 

Yes, I had found out that I would be your Mommy on August 14th. 

Yes, I started to put what would be best for you first right away. 

Withdrawing from my daily intake of caffeine, reading every article I could find about the best nutrition & fitness for you, planning for your arrival, planning to be your parent. 

But it wasn’t until that September day that I felt the world stop & something inside of me change, change me into your mother. 

It was the first day we saw you, sweet girl. 

But not the moment. 

The moment was special. 

You were so strong. 

You were kicking, rolling, waving. 

Your heart was beating strong, loud, easy to find. 

And then, you relaxed. 

You lay there calmly as we discovered that you were extra special. 

That you were going to change the people we were. 

The couple we were. 

The parents we were. 

We would never be the same. 

We would be weaker at moments, but stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

We would be selfless because we knew that you would need our strength. 

We would never give up on you. 

We wouldn’t take the easy road & say goodbye that day. 

We would give you a chance. 

And you put up such a good fight. 

But that day, as the worry set in. 

The reality of the physical & emotional pain you would endure at such a small age & size. 

The reality that your “normal” life would be so abnormal from the mainstream. 

The reality that you were going to need us to make such big decisions for you right away. 

It was then that I realized what motherhood was. 

And that I truly was your mother. 

And then, I got to embrace that until that cold day in November when we watched your tiny body be taken away.

I mourned the loss of you for months. 

Of being your Mommy. 

And then I realized, I am still your Mommy.

And even though I don’t have you today, I know that no one can ever take you away from me. 

You will always be with me. 

In the new person I am today. 

All my love little one. 

I share this today because surely there are women in your life that are feeling a similar way this week.

I share this because the best thing you can do for those friends, wives, sisters, daughters, for those mothers, is to acknowledge them this Sunday.

Acknowledge their children, acknowledge their pain, but most of all, acknowledge their strength.

I have been so blessed with family & friends who have acknowledged this day after day. 

Who have held me & listened to me & sent thoughtful gifts. 

Who say her name. 

Who hugged me so tightly after our recent miscarriage. 

Who have given me time to heal. 

Who have not rushed me or judged me. 

Who have given me the strength to write these words here & share our story in hopes of bringing peace to another woman's day. 

To all of you. 

Thank you. 

To all of you who cannot hold all of your children in your arms today, know this.

You are a mother.

You are allowed sad days.

You are allowed angry days.

And you are allowed happy days.

Weak days

and

strong days.

Be good to yourself.

Know that you are not alone.

And know that a mother’s strength is the strongest of them all.